Reason

Everything happens for a reason. Even though I struggle with the "reason" because it is not always revealed, I still believe in this saying one hundred percent. So it is obvious that from time to time I get into this reflection mode. It becomes extremely tiresome to continue to fail at something that seems to come with ease for others. I am surrounded by people who get pregnant by the thought and really don't appreciate the gift and blessing of life that is bestowed to them. It's been said millions of times before me but since I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I wanted the fairy tale courtship, marriage and children...in that order. Had I know about my condition I probably wouldn't have waited so long to try. I know I have been battling this obstacle for almost 8 years...mourning the entire time...but long before this infertility battle I have always been sickly and I think I am just tired. I don't think there is much fight left in me. I am not getting any younger, it is literally impossible to lose weight when I am constantly in pain, and the monetary burden this condition brings with trying to get pregnant is ridiculous. Am I suppose to continue? How long do I torture myself before I stop kidding myself and realize God has deemed me unworthy. That thought process hurts but maybe I am worse than any child abuser/neglectful adult in this world....at least this is how it feels. I see people day in and out, personally and in the news who abort, abandon, abuse, neglect, use, mistreat, and give away their children and it leaves a abhorrent taste in my mouth because this is something I would never do, yet this blessing hasn't been granted to me. I guess this ends in a rant, when I am in pain my mood and outlook for my future isn't the best. I don't know if this can be classified as giving up, especially when it seems I never was a contender. I should be thankful for life and the health I do have because there are millions of people who have more burden to bare, I just don't care to play the comparison process because it's not enough to sustain me. Tomorrow is a new day but I don't expect shit to change.

Perception

Sometimes what your going through seems so significant. And in perspective it isn't. I dwell on my emptiness, my lack of ability, my childless void and yet I someone out here is experiencing a greater loss. A friend had an emergency c-section today and her first born child passed on a few hours after delivery. I truly feel for her at this time. No words will ever console her pain.

...

I know GOD will not give me more than I can handle, but I wish he didn't want me to be so strong. I will be 34 in 7 months...this in itself is discouraging. Then add in hormones, constant body aches, my body bleeds when it wants too and as long as it wants to, I am always fatigue, everything I do is forced. I'm starting to think I'm kidding myself....having a baby with this condition, at this age, with limited and strained resources is not looking favorable. Fear of what I might do is the only thing that keeps me from quitting....at least out loud. It would be so much easier to take everything out, drop the weight and manage any remaining symptoms with meds, but as easy and ideal that is I would be eternally unhappy. I feel useless, fat, and unworthy.....I hate days like this...they seem strongest when I'm in pain.

Random

Do you ever feel misunderstood? You give your all and there is nothing to show for it. No acknowledgment, no parade, no results! One of the worst feelings in the world, but it is extremely magnified when ur emotional. I am just trying to survive without going insane. I am not perfect, I make mistakes....lots of them, but I truly believe I get way more than my share of trails, obstacles, and disappointments. I really wish God would come to me and tell me what to do, show me the light at the end of this dreary tunnel because I am close to losing all hope. Today is the day I was diagnosed with PCOS. It has been a year of trying to lose weight and get pregnant. But right now it seems that this hasn't happened because my relationship isn't where it should be. I avoid a lot, most people that I'm a bully, but only on the surface. if I can avoid it I will, o don't like unhappy feelings or topics. But I can't run from this anymore.

A long night

I guess it has been a while since my last post. During the planning of that wedding time got consumed.....then school started. Last cycle attempt on ovulation pills alone was in august and since the first of September I have been trying to get into a groove with losing weight. Obviously my condition contributes to my weight gain but my weight contributes to the non responsive reactions to my meds. It's a never ending cycle. My RE wants to move straight to injectibles now, but with that being almost $3,000 a cycle I need to give myself the best opportunity to be successful..... plus I have this hidden fear of developing gestational diabetes and or eclampsia, or maniditory c-section. I find when I am busy and am in chaos I don't have time for self pity loathing or any of that emotional crap....but I had an unexpected bleed start 14 days ago and I am tired of this heavy bleeding. Trying to stay drug free while constantly in pain is extremely exhausting. I may have to give in tonight so I can sleep. I won't make my first post in weeks an entire complaint session so I will end it here. Let's pray the bleeding & pain are over soon so I can get back to bootcamp. Til tomorrow *Goodnight.

Quick Reference

Although infertility is not life-threatening (most times), it is a serious medical condition especially when coupled with other ailments.  I know you may mean well...or may not even realize how harmful your comment may be to me. There are some key things that you should never say to someone battling infertility. Here are a few I'm particularly sensitive about: 

*You're so young... you have plenty of time! 

 

*Just relax... it takes time.

 

*Enjoy your sleep

 

*if you want a child take mines.

 

Instead of saying the above things, please say this: 

*You will be a great mom one day.

 

*I'm praying for you.

 

*I'm here if you need me. ~This one is especially dear to my heart because some days I may just need someone to be silent with, other times I may need someone to vent to, and most days I just like the fact your are there as a distraction from my baby mania.

30 day recap?

Sorry for the lack of communication, it's been a while since I have been on here...technically over a month.  I guess you could say that is a good thing because I actually was able to focus on other things besides getting pregnant.  I just think my distractions are that great when a few of them cause me great frustrations and stress.  Currently I am on day 5 of my July Cycle and am on 150mg Clomid from day 4 to day 10.  I have a set appt for July 21st (day 13) to check my ever so uncooperative follicles to see if they are maturing and growing in size as they should be.  I am hoping for ovulation this month and conception with natural baby dancing.  Speaking of baby dancing I we go away on the 22nd for the weekend.  that's the start of my window of opportunity..lol  This shall be interesting.

Sidebar I think have a regular drug induced cycle is working well for me.  April was 8 days of bleeding(still in the top 5 of lowest amount of days bleeding), May was 7 days, June was 7 days and July is looking like a close contender for 6 days.  I will accept this as my small win for the moment...hopefully this continues because I am definitely getting spoiled.