Reflections

I stayed home today.  The HSG aftermath is more painful than expected, but hopefully the pain is well worth it.  I  am sitting here watching a movie called Mother and Child by Rodrigo Garcia starring Annette Bening, Kerry Washington, and Naomi Watts.  Great movie but definitely a tear jerker.  I can relate in so many ways to each character but mostly Kerry Washington's character.  She is an atheist who cant get pregnant, they never explain why in the movie but she is married and successful and her and her husband decide to adopt.  When it is close to the delivery time of the baby they plan to adopt her husband leaves because he wants children of his own. Though devastated she continues with the adoption.  She is there when the baby is born, she nurses the baby and gives the baby boy his first feeding....literally catering him his first day on earth.  She leaves for the night and returns the next day only to be greeted by security and the adoption agency.....the birth mother has changed her mind.  Gut Punch!  Needless to say she flips, she is crushed and while she is home with her mother she utters "I should have realized if God wanted me to be a mother I would have been one"   That phrase alone runs through my mind frequently.  Being a very spiritual person I cant help but wonder why me.  It is so very easy to compare myself to people I see and know whom I could say don't deserve children.....yes that is very mean to say but it also is very true. I often wonder am I not worthy of this blessing, this miracle of life?  The irony is I have always wanted to adopt, yet this is not an option for me now to ease my yearning to carry my own child. I am fortunate to be old enough to remember my sister's birth, how she grew, her features and it's like deja ve with Arion.  I want that.  I want the entire experience. I've always wanted it, and it is so very hard to maintain optimism. Kind words and support dont change your reality.  There is no substitute for what my heart wants....which brings me to the other thing that is tugging at my soul......my father.   It ties in because I feel rejected from God the way I feel rejected from him.  Am I really so bad of a person that even before life I wasn't worthy of my fathers love?  Am I really so bad of a person that I am not worth of God's ultimate blessing?  I dont have the answer...I am confident I will never have the answer but the circumstantial evidence is leaning towards YES.