Perception

Sometimes what your going through seems so significant. And in perspective it isn't. I dwell on my emptiness, my lack of ability, my childless void and yet I someone out here is experiencing a greater loss. A friend had an emergency c-section today and her first born child passed on a few hours after delivery. I truly feel for her at this time. No words will ever console her pain.

...

I know GOD will not give me more than I can handle, but I wish he didn't want me to be so strong. I will be 34 in 7 months...this in itself is discouraging. Then add in hormones, constant body aches, my body bleeds when it wants too and as long as it wants to, I am always fatigue, everything I do is forced. I'm starting to think I'm kidding myself....having a baby with this condition, at this age, with limited and strained resources is not looking favorable. Fear of what I might do is the only thing that keeps me from quitting....at least out loud. It would be so much easier to take everything out, drop the weight and manage any remaining symptoms with meds, but as easy and ideal that is I would be eternally unhappy. I feel useless, fat, and unworthy.....I hate days like this...they seem strongest when I'm in pain.

Random

Do you ever feel misunderstood? You give your all and there is nothing to show for it. No acknowledgment, no parade, no results! One of the worst feelings in the world, but it is extremely magnified when ur emotional. I am just trying to survive without going insane. I am not perfect, I make mistakes....lots of them, but I truly believe I get way more than my share of trails, obstacles, and disappointments. I really wish God would come to me and tell me what to do, show me the light at the end of this dreary tunnel because I am close to losing all hope. Today is the day I was diagnosed with PCOS. It has been a year of trying to lose weight and get pregnant. But right now it seems that this hasn't happened because my relationship isn't where it should be. I avoid a lot, most people that I'm a bully, but only on the surface. if I can avoid it I will, o don't like unhappy feelings or topics. But I can't run from this anymore.

A long night

I guess it has been a while since my last post. During the planning of that wedding time got consumed.....then school started. Last cycle attempt on ovulation pills alone was in august and since the first of September I have been trying to get into a groove with losing weight. Obviously my condition contributes to my weight gain but my weight contributes to the non responsive reactions to my meds. It's a never ending cycle. My RE wants to move straight to injectibles now, but with that being almost $3,000 a cycle I need to give myself the best opportunity to be successful..... plus I have this hidden fear of developing gestational diabetes and or eclampsia, or maniditory c-section. I find when I am busy and am in chaos I don't have time for self pity loathing or any of that emotional crap....but I had an unexpected bleed start 14 days ago and I am tired of this heavy bleeding. Trying to stay drug free while constantly in pain is extremely exhausting. I may have to give in tonight so I can sleep. I won't make my first post in weeks an entire complaint session so I will end it here. Let's pray the bleeding & pain are over soon so I can get back to bootcamp. Til tomorrow *Goodnight.