The waiting game

"Abused patience turns to fury." ~ Thomas Fuller
It seems like I am waiting all the time.  Waiting on results, waiting on medicine to work, waiting to see if the medicine actually worked, in the waiting room on my doctors office, waiting on hold with the doctors office, waiting for responses from employers who offer fertility coverage........I don't think making me wait is enhancing my patience.  Really want to know what our (my RE, ME, & Mike) next steps are.  Called today and results are still not in.  Was advised to try on Monday.  Oh well getting ready for my sister's graduation and the party afterwards should occupy some of my free thinking time.  I have off on Monday so I plan to get alot done.....more job apps, completing registration for fall semester, completing bachelorette plans and getting results and next action plans.

"All things are difficult before they are easy." Thomas Fuller

The Cost of Infertility

ARC ~ Advanced Reproductive Care, Inc.  The Nation's largest network of fertility clinics & provides the most affordable options for fertility treatment.

The ARC Fertility Program: This program helps with predetermined discounted package-pricing, payment plan options and a money-back refund guarantee program. This program maximizes your probability of taking home a baby while making the cost affordable and minimizing your financial risk. Prices are based by facility.  For my facility RMA of Philadelphia the price is as follows
One-cycle plus™:   Patients receive up to 2 IVF cycles--one fresh plus one frozen embryo transfer . $10,326.88 (not including medication that averages $4,000 - $6,000 per cycle or ICSI which is another $2,000)

Two-cycle plus™:    Patients receive up to 4 IVF cycles--two fresh plus two frozen embryo transfers. $16,926.00 (same as above)

Three-cycle plus™:embryo transfers: Patients receive up to 6 IVF cycles--three fresh plus three frozen $23,938.20 (same as above)

What are the symptoms of PCOS?

The signs and symptoms of PCOS are related to hormonal imbalance, lack of ovulation, and insulin resistance and may include:

• irregular, infrequent, or absent menstrual periods
• hirsutism - excessive growth of body and facial hair, including the chest, stomach, and back
• acne or oily skin
• enlarged and/or polycystic ovaries
• infertility - the inability to produce children
• overweight or obesity, especially around the waist (central obesity) and abdomen
• male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
• skin tags - small pieces of skin on the neck or armpits
• acanthosis nigricans - darkened skin areas on the back of the neck, in the armpits, and under the breasts

In addition, women with PCOS may be at increased risk for developing certain health problems. These may include:

• metabolic syndrome - a condition with several components, including:
  
  • type 2 diabetes or insulin resistance
  • elevated cholesterol levels
  • high blood pressure
  • excess body weight, especially around the waist and abdomen
  • elevated levels of C-reactive protein (a marker of inflammation)
  • elevated blood clotting factors
• heavy or irregular bleeding and endometrial cancer. Lack of ovulation for an extended period of time may cause excessive thickening of the endometrium (the lining of the uterus).

The symptoms of PCOS may resemble other conditions or medical problems. Always consult your physician for a diagnosis.

First Review

~God will not place any burden on you that you can not bare~

My nurse called to tell me that the radiologists notes from my HSG states the the dye moved through my uterus into both fallopian tubes and out each end with minimal difficulty. 
This has to be one of those great days.  Yes it doesnt automatically mean I will get pregnant but it definitely takes IVF (20k) as my only option off the table.  Talk about an unexpected relief.  I can't stop smiling, the tears keep welling up in my eyes. I dont want to get too excited though....even if they are clear I still have to wait for the official ok from my RE.  Also I remember them telling me to move from side to side...I dont have that ability when it's sperm trying to reach my egg, or when its a fertilized egg trying to move to implantation but I will deal with those steps when they come.  Now we are waiting for the glucose test results so that i can make an appt with my physician and map out a plan of action going forward.

Reflections

I stayed home today.  The HSG aftermath is more painful than expected, but hopefully the pain is well worth it.  I  am sitting here watching a movie called Mother and Child by Rodrigo Garcia starring Annette Bening, Kerry Washington, and Naomi Watts.  Great movie but definitely a tear jerker.  I can relate in so many ways to each character but mostly Kerry Washington's character.  She is an atheist who cant get pregnant, they never explain why in the movie but she is married and successful and her and her husband decide to adopt.  When it is close to the delivery time of the baby they plan to adopt her husband leaves because he wants children of his own. Though devastated she continues with the adoption.  She is there when the baby is born, she nurses the baby and gives the baby boy his first feeding....literally catering him his first day on earth.  She leaves for the night and returns the next day only to be greeted by security and the adoption agency.....the birth mother has changed her mind.  Gut Punch!  Needless to say she flips, she is crushed and while she is home with her mother she utters "I should have realized if God wanted me to be a mother I would have been one"   That phrase alone runs through my mind frequently.  Being a very spiritual person I cant help but wonder why me.  It is so very easy to compare myself to people I see and know whom I could say don't deserve children.....yes that is very mean to say but it also is very true. I often wonder am I not worthy of this blessing, this miracle of life?  The irony is I have always wanted to adopt, yet this is not an option for me now to ease my yearning to carry my own child. I am fortunate to be old enough to remember my sister's birth, how she grew, her features and it's like deja ve with Arion.  I want that.  I want the entire experience. I've always wanted it, and it is so very hard to maintain optimism. Kind words and support dont change your reality.  There is no substitute for what my heart wants....which brings me to the other thing that is tugging at my soul......my father.   It ties in because I feel rejected from God the way I feel rejected from him.  Am I really so bad of a person that even before life I wasn't worthy of my fathers love?  Am I really so bad of a person that I am not worth of God's ultimate blessing?  I dont have the answer...I am confident I will never have the answer but the circumstantial evidence is leaning towards YES.