A safe zone to express my feelings during this phase in my life. I share for personal benefits, to educate & keep my family & friends updated and with hopes to inform and offer support to those who are and those who know someone who is going through infertility and health issues.
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Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Reason
Everything happens for a reason. Even though I struggle with the "reason" because it is not always revealed, I still believe in this saying one hundred percent. So it is obvious that from time to time I get into this reflection mode. It becomes extremely tiresome to continue to fail at something that seems to come with ease for others. I am surrounded by people who get pregnant by the thought and really don't appreciate the gift and blessing of life that is bestowed to them. It's been said millions of times before me but since I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I wanted the fairy tale courtship, marriage and children...in that order. Had I know about my condition I probably wouldn't have waited so long to try. I know I have been battling this obstacle for almost 8 years...mourning the entire time...but long before this infertility battle I have always been sickly and I think I am just tired. I don't think there is much fight left in me. I am not getting any younger, it is literally impossible to lose weight when I am constantly in pain, and the monetary burden this condition brings with trying to get pregnant is ridiculous. Am I suppose to continue? How long do I torture myself before I stop kidding myself and realize God has deemed me unworthy. That thought process hurts but maybe I am worse than any child abuser/neglectful adult in this world....at least this is how it feels. I see people day in and out, personally and in the news who abort, abandon, abuse, neglect, use, mistreat, and give away their children and it leaves a abhorrent taste in my mouth because this is something I would never do, yet this blessing hasn't been granted to me. I guess this ends in a rant, when I am in pain my mood and outlook for my future isn't the best. I don't know if this can be classified as giving up, especially when it seems I never was a contender. I should be thankful for life and the health I do have because there are millions of people who have more burden to bare, I just don't care to play the comparison process because it's not enough to sustain me. Tomorrow is a new day but I don't expect shit to change.
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I too beleive everything happens for a reason, even if that reason takes a while to become apparent. Some days are much harder than others, but I know in the end this will have all be worth it. I wish I could say something to make the ache in your heart hurt less, and make the time fly so that you are sitting there with your little one in your arms already. Just know that your day WILL come, and your little one is going to be so loved and appreciated. Sending you lots of sticky babydust=)
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your kind words. Tjourney. hank you for taking the time to view my struggle. If nothing else I hope it extends companionship to you during your journey. Much sticky babydust to you too :)
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