Pain, Pills & Procedures

If I am correct I am on day 84 of consistent bleeding.....and I didn't think it was possible but my pains have increased. I am noticing my pains are more unbearable when I am passing clots, which also brings heavier bleeding. I just feel drained, completely tired. They have adjusted my progesterone again starting today and have changed my pain meds to Tylenol #3. I guess this is the last step before I am back on opium based pain meds.....something I wish not to go to. I also have a Hysteroscopy scheduled for Friday...with the option to proceed with additional treatment based on what they find. This will be my third one...my first in 99, my second in 04 and now this one. With my second one they also took biopsy and performed a D&C....my bleeding stopped for a few weeks and with meds I was able to get some type of "balance"...however that was 7 years and 150lbs ago...the heavier you are the more difficult this is. It's crazy I decided on my last cycle of clomid in August to take 6 months off and try and lose 60 lbs. I started my "cycle" as normal on the 6th of September and have not stopped bleeding. Slow but consistent weight gain, and ever so debilitating pains. I hope there is resolution soon, my options for pregnancy friendly options are running out. My wait to try again may be longer than I want, however I need to focus on this because until this is controlled there is no option for anything else.

I don't want to work anymore

I feel like I have been working towards things all of my life. Working for a better lifestyle, working for a better education, working for a better relationship, working for a better health condition, working for a baby, working "fill in the blank here" and I am tired. I may have to come to terms that I will not have biological children, or any children for that matter. I dont think I have the tolerance or emotional stability to go through adoption. And that is pretty much my only option. It is selfish but I want my own child...I want a mini likeness of me. I want the entire pregnacy experience including morning sickness, and heartburn. I want to be able to lay next to my husband as he rubs my belly and we bond together with our child long before he is brought into this world. This is truly a frustrating time for me.

Conversation

My nurse called and i have to come in for a full exam, bloodwork, biopsy,and ultrasound. She will try to get to the bottom of this marathon bleeding and pain. I am not optimistic, but while I am there I will have a very frank conversation with her about having a hysterectomy.

Decision time

As I end day 71 of continuous bleeding even with me being on progestin for the last half of this time I fear I have reached my crossroads. I am tired of blood, and I am tired of pain. I don't want to live my life in fear and I feel every decision I make is based on my condition....my job, my relationship, my livelihood. I don't mean to sound so final but I am far to old to continue to wait on something to change. I have been battling the symptoms of my disorder for almost 20 years...and trying to fill my desire for children for at least the last 10. I don't have the answers....the experts don't have the answers and if they can't stop the pain or bleeding am I really suppose to have blind faith that they will get me to ovulate, conceive and carry to term? I never thought I would be seriously considering a hysterectomy...but its in my thoughts nowadays more and more. I can't continue being sick...being in pain and gaining weight.

My heart hurts....

My heart hurts and you are the only thing that can erase this pain.
As soon as I open my eyes my thoughts are of you
When I dream at night I see your smile
As I walk through the day I hear your voice
And as the days grow old I yearn to hold you..smell you
For you have not come into my existence yet you are so real to me.
Many do not understand the love I have for you, but you do and that is all that matters.

What angers me the most

I don't have any control. Control over my body, my ability to procreate, my opinions, my feelings, my emotions.....but I am truly tested on a daily basis. For some reason unknown I come across an article about a Virginia Couple who hid their 6 year old daughter and caged her in crib to the point that her growth was stunted, she was found covered in her feces, eating her own flaking skin and so malnourished she was within a week from dying. In addition to this they gave birth to and lost a son under one from unknown reasons. To top in off they get married and have another son who at the time of arrest was a few months old. I am not going to go into focus on how dumb this entire situation is because at the time of her first pregnancy she was 17 and he was 22 and her mother allowed her underage child to move out of her home and into a mobile home with this man. I refuse to believe that the grandmother saw her daughter "every day" and missed two full pregnancies. I refuse to believe that after giving birth to a daughter almost seven years ago and then to a son a few years later that now you want to blame your treatment of your daughter on the grief and loss of your 2nd child....YET you grief didn't prevent you from continuing to have sex, plan a wedding and seek assistance with getting pregnant again. I refuse to believe that "shame" caused you to go against common sense and have two home births to hide your first two children. Finally to add insult to injury these idiots are requesting sanity evaluation...so we already know where their plea is going....FOH! Am I really suppose to believe that the grief of losing your 2nd child allowed functional activity for every other task in your life except the proper treatment of your daughter? Isn't the loss of one suppose to make you cherish the one you still have? Obviously this is a gender complex because the new born son was healthy when the police arrived to find the conditions the daughter was in. The court date has been scheduled for December, and they have had to move the couple due to fear of inmate out lash.....why do we care if they are shanked by a inmate, they didn't care about their 7 year old daughter who has never seen a doctor, and who appears at first sight to be two because of the neglect, so why is my tax dollars giving them 3 meals a day, shelter, and recreation??????? What angers me the most is I am in a position where to no fault of my own I can not have my own child and people like this are blessed with children only to abuse and kill them. It's things like this that makes me feel that sting on my cheeks from the big ass smack of reality.

For more information on this horrendous case Goggle Brian and Shannon Gore from VA.

Opposites Attract

My thoughts today are a little different. I have been thinking for a while about going mainstream open about my pains, my struggles, and my active attempt to get pregnant. I normally grieve silently because I don't want anyone to worry...but I may need to learn to lean on my surrounding support. When I think about Mike.....its funny how we are very similar but very different. He is way more private about this.....and I don't think I'be ever sat down to ask why. Something so simple has been overlooked....and I seem to do this a lot. I tend to think of this as me being broken...my problem....I'm infertile....woe is me.......but even though his sperm is buck strong watching me be prodded, poked, in pain and bleeding more than not, mood swings, sadness, fatigue, and most times just an emotional mess can't be easy for him. And he chooses to be here through it all always being the positive reinforcement he is suppose to he....even when I am too negative to hear it. He is my constant and I do appreciate him so...... I truly love this man.

TGIF

The week has closed and Oh am I grateful. The body is an amazing thing.....I made it through the week....pain and all. I'm not confident on how much long I will be able to persevere through this but I will enjoy my time home. I think I have finally selected my New OB/GYN....her bedside manner is impeccable. I will make this short because I finally feel the pills taking over...much needed relief. I promise to post again within the week.

Just when I think I have reached my end a strand of hope creeps in unexpectedly

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author unknown

Reason

Everything happens for a reason. Even though I struggle with the "reason" because it is not always revealed, I still believe in this saying one hundred percent. So it is obvious that from time to time I get into this reflection mode. It becomes extremely tiresome to continue to fail at something that seems to come with ease for others. I am surrounded by people who get pregnant by the thought and really don't appreciate the gift and blessing of life that is bestowed to them. It's been said millions of times before me but since I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I wanted the fairy tale courtship, marriage and children...in that order. Had I know about my condition I probably wouldn't have waited so long to try. I know I have been battling this obstacle for almost 8 years...mourning the entire time...but long before this infertility battle I have always been sickly and I think I am just tired. I don't think there is much fight left in me. I am not getting any younger, it is literally impossible to lose weight when I am constantly in pain, and the monetary burden this condition brings with trying to get pregnant is ridiculous. Am I suppose to continue? How long do I torture myself before I stop kidding myself and realize God has deemed me unworthy. That thought process hurts but maybe I am worse than any child abuser/neglectful adult in this world....at least this is how it feels. I see people day in and out, personally and in the news who abort, abandon, abuse, neglect, use, mistreat, and give away their children and it leaves a abhorrent taste in my mouth because this is something I would never do, yet this blessing hasn't been granted to me. I guess this ends in a rant, when I am in pain my mood and outlook for my future isn't the best. I don't know if this can be classified as giving up, especially when it seems I never was a contender. I should be thankful for life and the health I do have because there are millions of people who have more burden to bare, I just don't care to play the comparison process because it's not enough to sustain me. Tomorrow is a new day but I don't expect shit to change.