Missing Posts...into the New Year

I apologize for my missing attendance.  I had a very close passing in my family and have not had the motivation on thought process to come here.  I will say this year has been a struggle for me and I am happy to bring it to an end.  Hopefully there will be better experiences and joys I can share with you for 2012.  Until then have a very safe and successful New Years.  And for my ttc peers to much sticky baby dust for the year 2012.

Day 13 - List 5 guilty pleasures.

1. Home made Chocolate Chip Cookies
2. Baked Macaroni & Cheese
3. Double layer chocolate cake
4. Calling out of work just because
5. Wine Night.

Day 12 - List 5 pet peeves.

1. Irresponsible/Abusive/Neglectful "parents".
2. Hypocrites
3. Males who think they are men but do not behave as such
4. Cheaters
5. Adults (in age) who never grow up.

Day 11 - If you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?

1. To have unlimited wishes
2. To be able to ovulate, conceive, carry a healthy pregnancy, and give birth to 12 healthy babies
3. Continual financial security to maintain myself and my loved ones.

Day 10 - What is your favorite book?

This changes with time but currently it is

The Help by Kathryn Stockett



Day 9 - List 5 things you want to do before you die.

1. learn how to swim
2. travel to all of my points of interest
3. have a lavish platinum wedding
4. open my own business
5. complete my travel wish list.

Day 8 - Describe your dream vacation.

http://www.bedarra.com.au/

Bedarra Great Barrier Reef Luxury Resort

 One of the world’s most exclusive resorts and is the ultimate 5 star luxury island resort experience.

Bedarra Island is a boutique island resort at the Great Barrier Reef in Queensland.

With just 16 architecturally refined Villas nestled into the rainforest, Bedarra Island is very much a place for the dedicated few.

Venture from your boutique Villa and discover exquisite food, flawless service and secluded beaches.

Slip away to a private bay with a gourmet hamper and your own dinghy or indulge with a therapeutic spa treatment. On Bedarra Island it’s all about peace, privacy, and the ultimate holiday in tropical style luxury.

Day 7 - Where do you like to shop?



Day 6- A picture of something that makes you happy.

My sugar dumpling Niece Arion.  Very old pic, she is 4 now but one of my favorites.

Day 5 - 15 facts about yourself.

1. I love chocolate, cheese, and wine seperately but equally.
2. My family blood and nonblood related are the most important to me.
3. I am a irrationally emotional individual with some ugly tendencies when the hormones are high.
4. I disengaged with God for a short while after the passing of my grandmother.
5. I have struggled with repeating #4 while enduring this challenging stage in my life.
6. I was married at the age of 23.
7. I was divorced at the age of 27.
8. I have been in my current relationship for 4 years and I am 4 years older than he is.
9. I love the color pink.
10. I love to plan events/parties/decorate.
11. 90% of my life decisions are based on my thoughts of what will happen afterwards.
12. Most recently I have adapted this very bothersome habit of judgement...some would argue it's always been here but will agree it is far worst.
13. I have control issues.
14. I have a very minor case of OCD.
15. When I was a child I wanted to be a pediatrician...until I realized I dont have the stomach for the gore, the heart to see a child hurting, or the patience for an abusive/neglectful parent.

Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.

In no particular order

10....The Philadelphia Eagles....I bleed green

 

9.....Emeralds, rings, earrings, bracelets galore (Yay! I love my birthstones)

 

8.....Mansion in Dubai

7.....A natural habitat for endangered big cats ( yes I love cats...all sizes and if I had the money I would so do this.)

6.....Barbie Paradise for my Niece...her happiness keeps me happy.

5.....Live productions of my favorite movies/plays ( Can you tell I like musicals...lol)



4.....A one year vacation to Brazil

3....All expense paid family trip to Australia for the month of December to cruise the Pacific Ocean island of Kiritimati (Christmas Island), the eastern-most island in the island nation of Kiribati for the official First New Years Celebration

2.....Vacation to Fiordland National Park, Abel Tasman National Park and other regions of New Zealand.

1.....Le Sirenuse Spa Resort in Positano, Italy

Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?

Under construction

Tribute to a Great Lady

Happy Birthday Nana!  I miss you and love you very much. 

Day 2 - What's in your handbag?

under construction...

Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?

I think this is self explanatory.  I have PCOS and I am trying to have a baby.  Even though the initial goal was pregnancy, that may not be my journey...it may be through some other avenue...so I like the end results.  I will admit the blog wasn't entirely my idea...when I first started breaking down and was seeking therapy it was suggested by my counselor.  One of the best things I have done. 

Thirty Day Blog Challenge

 

I have recently started following pinklipglossandprenatals and decided to do the 30 Day Blog Challenge she created. It gives the old and new an opportunity to get to know me better. The first 15 will be about me, and the next 15 will be about my infertility journey. Technically I am on day 6 so there will be six posts today. This way I can end the challenge on December 30, right before the start of the new year. Hope you enjoy.

Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?

Day 2 - What's in your handbag?

Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?

Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.

Day 5 - 15 facts about yourself.

Day 6- A picture of something that makes you happy.

Day 7 - Where do you like to shop?

Day 8 - Describe your dream vacation.

Day 9 - List 5 things you want to do before you die.

Day 10 - What is your favorite book?

Day 11 - If you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?

Day 12 - List 5 pet peeves.

Day 13 - List 5 guilty pleasures.

Day 14 - Put your iPad on shuffle. List the first 10 songs that play.

Day 15 - Show your favorite outfit or fashion pieces.

Day 16 - How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?

Day 17 - Discuss the most ridiculous thing you ever heard about conception. Where did you hear it? Did it work for someone else? Did you try it?

Day 18 - Besides Mothers Day, what is the hardest holiday for you as an infertile?

Day 19 - Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person.

Day 20 - Discuss how you found your way into the ALI community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad.

Day 21 - If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?

Day 22 - What was the first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made? Was it before or after you started trying to conceive? Or was it after you were already pregnant? Why did you choose that particular item to buy first? If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not?

Day 23 - Talk about how you chose your RE.

Day 24 - If a very observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility?

Day 25 - Have you ever bonded with someone IRL over infertility?

Day 26 - Were you the product of infertility? Was anyone you know the product of infertility? How do you know? Or do you just suspect based on circumstances like age differences between siblings, time between marriage and conception, etc.

Day 27 - Talk about a time when you made someone in your life understand more about infertility.

Day 28 - What do you use the “nursery” for right now? If you already had a baby, what did you use it for before pregnancy?

Day 29 - If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices?

Day 30 -Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.

Faith

Faith is a tricky thing...especially in this race to create life. My cousin Geraldine who is more like an Aunt to me is very ill and in the hospital. The entire situation reflects on my experience during the last days of my Nana's time here on earth. Her oldest daughter Nicole, my very close cousing is carrying a burden I only wish I could remove. I get so geared up on the life I want to carry and give birth to it comes easy to lose sight of the blessing surrounding me whose time together is precious. I dont fair well with death...but I must be strong for my cousin, give her the support she needs, hold her up as she breaks down....this is going to be a hard day.

Three Days Later

It is amazing what two days of no bleeding will do for your mental, physical, and emotional well being. Granted I had to come back to work today...and I noticed it wasn't my illness that made me dread this place. I have been directly and indirectly been advised by many of my friends and family to get into event planning, however in my area, in this economy with no real start up it is suicide. I can't deny the calling is strong and just the thought of planning something brings light to my eyes, but the financial instability scares me more. I did apply for a david's bridal position that would ultimately be a 58% decrease in salary but will probably bring 100% satisfaction and joy to my life. I will leave it in the hands of fate for now. If they call, and hire me I will take this a God's push towards something better.

Hysteroscopy

Well the dreaded procedure came and went. I am extremely glad I look for excellent bedside manner as a top requirement for all of my doctors. The surgical physician made the transition so easy :) Based on his initial results there are no underlying reasons for my abnormal bleeding and pain besides the hormonal imbalance placed on me by PCOS. BAsically my uterus is healthy except for scattered scar tissue from previous surgeries, but they say it's nothing that will interfer with a baby implanting. He was able to complete the D&C and currently I am "spotting". So now we wait for my RE to review the Recording and hopefully when we talk on Monday I will not be bleeding. My goal is to get meds that will keep me blood free for at least the next 90 days...jump start my exercise routine to shed as much weight as possible and start the injection medicine to help me ovulate late March early April. Well at least that's the "plan". It really seems like all of my issues are hormonal, this is driving me more than ever to lose weight to help this imbalance. Anyway I am going to take this relief as positive and enjoy the relief from pain. I will keep you posted. :)

The day before Surgery

I can honestly sit here and say I am scared. Add this to naturally being emotional, hormonal imbalance, and consistent pain and bleeding for 87 days is a recipe for insanity. I don't know if I am coming or going...and with all of this I think I need to start going to therapy to get these thoughts, doubts, pains, and overall burdens off of my chest. Not so much to get a solution or answer, but an opportunity to be in an environment where I can express myself, cry, scream, etc without fears of worrying my family, being judged, or the worst of all they constantly telling me it will be ok. I know they mean well but it hasn't gotten better and they don't know if it will get better. I will say this, chronic pain makes you miserable inside and out. Most days I don't feel like myself and am snapping at the slightest things. I pray that this surgery is a positive start to the successful journey for my baby.

Pain, Pills & Procedures

If I am correct I am on day 84 of consistent bleeding.....and I didn't think it was possible but my pains have increased. I am noticing my pains are more unbearable when I am passing clots, which also brings heavier bleeding. I just feel drained, completely tired. They have adjusted my progesterone again starting today and have changed my pain meds to Tylenol #3. I guess this is the last step before I am back on opium based pain meds.....something I wish not to go to. I also have a Hysteroscopy scheduled for Friday...with the option to proceed with additional treatment based on what they find. This will be my third one...my first in 99, my second in 04 and now this one. With my second one they also took biopsy and performed a D&C....my bleeding stopped for a few weeks and with meds I was able to get some type of "balance"...however that was 7 years and 150lbs ago...the heavier you are the more difficult this is. It's crazy I decided on my last cycle of clomid in August to take 6 months off and try and lose 60 lbs. I started my "cycle" as normal on the 6th of September and have not stopped bleeding. Slow but consistent weight gain, and ever so debilitating pains. I hope there is resolution soon, my options for pregnancy friendly options are running out. My wait to try again may be longer than I want, however I need to focus on this because until this is controlled there is no option for anything else.

I don't want to work anymore

I feel like I have been working towards things all of my life. Working for a better lifestyle, working for a better education, working for a better relationship, working for a better health condition, working for a baby, working "fill in the blank here" and I am tired. I may have to come to terms that I will not have biological children, or any children for that matter. I dont think I have the tolerance or emotional stability to go through adoption. And that is pretty much my only option. It is selfish but I want my own child...I want a mini likeness of me. I want the entire pregnacy experience including morning sickness, and heartburn. I want to be able to lay next to my husband as he rubs my belly and we bond together with our child long before he is brought into this world. This is truly a frustrating time for me.

Conversation

My nurse called and i have to come in for a full exam, bloodwork, biopsy,and ultrasound. She will try to get to the bottom of this marathon bleeding and pain. I am not optimistic, but while I am there I will have a very frank conversation with her about having a hysterectomy.

Decision time

As I end day 71 of continuous bleeding even with me being on progestin for the last half of this time I fear I have reached my crossroads. I am tired of blood, and I am tired of pain. I don't want to live my life in fear and I feel every decision I make is based on my condition....my job, my relationship, my livelihood. I don't mean to sound so final but I am far to old to continue to wait on something to change. I have been battling the symptoms of my disorder for almost 20 years...and trying to fill my desire for children for at least the last 10. I don't have the answers....the experts don't have the answers and if they can't stop the pain or bleeding am I really suppose to have blind faith that they will get me to ovulate, conceive and carry to term? I never thought I would be seriously considering a hysterectomy...but its in my thoughts nowadays more and more. I can't continue being sick...being in pain and gaining weight.

My heart hurts....

My heart hurts and you are the only thing that can erase this pain.
As soon as I open my eyes my thoughts are of you
When I dream at night I see your smile
As I walk through the day I hear your voice
And as the days grow old I yearn to hold you..smell you
For you have not come into my existence yet you are so real to me.
Many do not understand the love I have for you, but you do and that is all that matters.

What angers me the most

I don't have any control. Control over my body, my ability to procreate, my opinions, my feelings, my emotions.....but I am truly tested on a daily basis. For some reason unknown I come across an article about a Virginia Couple who hid their 6 year old daughter and caged her in crib to the point that her growth was stunted, she was found covered in her feces, eating her own flaking skin and so malnourished she was within a week from dying. In addition to this they gave birth to and lost a son under one from unknown reasons. To top in off they get married and have another son who at the time of arrest was a few months old. I am not going to go into focus on how dumb this entire situation is because at the time of her first pregnancy she was 17 and he was 22 and her mother allowed her underage child to move out of her home and into a mobile home with this man. I refuse to believe that the grandmother saw her daughter "every day" and missed two full pregnancies. I refuse to believe that after giving birth to a daughter almost seven years ago and then to a son a few years later that now you want to blame your treatment of your daughter on the grief and loss of your 2nd child....YET you grief didn't prevent you from continuing to have sex, plan a wedding and seek assistance with getting pregnant again. I refuse to believe that "shame" caused you to go against common sense and have two home births to hide your first two children. Finally to add insult to injury these idiots are requesting sanity evaluation...so we already know where their plea is going....FOH! Am I really suppose to believe that the grief of losing your 2nd child allowed functional activity for every other task in your life except the proper treatment of your daughter? Isn't the loss of one suppose to make you cherish the one you still have? Obviously this is a gender complex because the new born son was healthy when the police arrived to find the conditions the daughter was in. The court date has been scheduled for December, and they have had to move the couple due to fear of inmate out lash.....why do we care if they are shanked by a inmate, they didn't care about their 7 year old daughter who has never seen a doctor, and who appears at first sight to be two because of the neglect, so why is my tax dollars giving them 3 meals a day, shelter, and recreation??????? What angers me the most is I am in a position where to no fault of my own I can not have my own child and people like this are blessed with children only to abuse and kill them. It's things like this that makes me feel that sting on my cheeks from the big ass smack of reality.

For more information on this horrendous case Goggle Brian and Shannon Gore from VA.

Opposites Attract

My thoughts today are a little different. I have been thinking for a while about going mainstream open about my pains, my struggles, and my active attempt to get pregnant. I normally grieve silently because I don't want anyone to worry...but I may need to learn to lean on my surrounding support. When I think about Mike.....its funny how we are very similar but very different. He is way more private about this.....and I don't think I'be ever sat down to ask why. Something so simple has been overlooked....and I seem to do this a lot. I tend to think of this as me being broken...my problem....I'm infertile....woe is me.......but even though his sperm is buck strong watching me be prodded, poked, in pain and bleeding more than not, mood swings, sadness, fatigue, and most times just an emotional mess can't be easy for him. And he chooses to be here through it all always being the positive reinforcement he is suppose to he....even when I am too negative to hear it. He is my constant and I do appreciate him so...... I truly love this man.

TGIF

The week has closed and Oh am I grateful. The body is an amazing thing.....I made it through the week....pain and all. I'm not confident on how much long I will be able to persevere through this but I will enjoy my time home. I think I have finally selected my New OB/GYN....her bedside manner is impeccable. I will make this short because I finally feel the pills taking over...much needed relief. I promise to post again within the week.

Just when I think I have reached my end a strand of hope creeps in unexpectedly

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author unknown

Reason

Everything happens for a reason. Even though I struggle with the "reason" because it is not always revealed, I still believe in this saying one hundred percent. So it is obvious that from time to time I get into this reflection mode. It becomes extremely tiresome to continue to fail at something that seems to come with ease for others. I am surrounded by people who get pregnant by the thought and really don't appreciate the gift and blessing of life that is bestowed to them. It's been said millions of times before me but since I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I wanted the fairy tale courtship, marriage and children...in that order. Had I know about my condition I probably wouldn't have waited so long to try. I know I have been battling this obstacle for almost 8 years...mourning the entire time...but long before this infertility battle I have always been sickly and I think I am just tired. I don't think there is much fight left in me. I am not getting any younger, it is literally impossible to lose weight when I am constantly in pain, and the monetary burden this condition brings with trying to get pregnant is ridiculous. Am I suppose to continue? How long do I torture myself before I stop kidding myself and realize God has deemed me unworthy. That thought process hurts but maybe I am worse than any child abuser/neglectful adult in this world....at least this is how it feels. I see people day in and out, personally and in the news who abort, abandon, abuse, neglect, use, mistreat, and give away their children and it leaves a abhorrent taste in my mouth because this is something I would never do, yet this blessing hasn't been granted to me. I guess this ends in a rant, when I am in pain my mood and outlook for my future isn't the best. I don't know if this can be classified as giving up, especially when it seems I never was a contender. I should be thankful for life and the health I do have because there are millions of people who have more burden to bare, I just don't care to play the comparison process because it's not enough to sustain me. Tomorrow is a new day but I don't expect shit to change.

Perception

Sometimes what your going through seems so significant. And in perspective it isn't. I dwell on my emptiness, my lack of ability, my childless void and yet I someone out here is experiencing a greater loss. A friend had an emergency c-section today and her first born child passed on a few hours after delivery. I truly feel for her at this time. No words will ever console her pain.

...

I know GOD will not give me more than I can handle, but I wish he didn't want me to be so strong. I will be 34 in 7 months...this in itself is discouraging. Then add in hormones, constant body aches, my body bleeds when it wants too and as long as it wants to, I am always fatigue, everything I do is forced. I'm starting to think I'm kidding myself....having a baby with this condition, at this age, with limited and strained resources is not looking favorable. Fear of what I might do is the only thing that keeps me from quitting....at least out loud. It would be so much easier to take everything out, drop the weight and manage any remaining symptoms with meds, but as easy and ideal that is I would be eternally unhappy. I feel useless, fat, and unworthy.....I hate days like this...they seem strongest when I'm in pain.

Random

Do you ever feel misunderstood? You give your all and there is nothing to show for it. No acknowledgment, no parade, no results! One of the worst feelings in the world, but it is extremely magnified when ur emotional. I am just trying to survive without going insane. I am not perfect, I make mistakes....lots of them, but I truly believe I get way more than my share of trails, obstacles, and disappointments. I really wish God would come to me and tell me what to do, show me the light at the end of this dreary tunnel because I am close to losing all hope. Today is the day I was diagnosed with PCOS. It has been a year of trying to lose weight and get pregnant. But right now it seems that this hasn't happened because my relationship isn't where it should be. I avoid a lot, most people that I'm a bully, but only on the surface. if I can avoid it I will, o don't like unhappy feelings or topics. But I can't run from this anymore.

A long night

I guess it has been a while since my last post. During the planning of that wedding time got consumed.....then school started. Last cycle attempt on ovulation pills alone was in august and since the first of September I have been trying to get into a groove with losing weight. Obviously my condition contributes to my weight gain but my weight contributes to the non responsive reactions to my meds. It's a never ending cycle. My RE wants to move straight to injectibles now, but with that being almost $3,000 a cycle I need to give myself the best opportunity to be successful..... plus I have this hidden fear of developing gestational diabetes and or eclampsia, or maniditory c-section. I find when I am busy and am in chaos I don't have time for self pity loathing or any of that emotional crap....but I had an unexpected bleed start 14 days ago and I am tired of this heavy bleeding. Trying to stay drug free while constantly in pain is extremely exhausting. I may have to give in tonight so I can sleep. I won't make my first post in weeks an entire complaint session so I will end it here. Let's pray the bleeding & pain are over soon so I can get back to bootcamp. Til tomorrow *Goodnight.

Quick Reference

Although infertility is not life-threatening (most times), it is a serious medical condition especially when coupled with other ailments.  I know you may mean well...or may not even realize how harmful your comment may be to me. There are some key things that you should never say to someone battling infertility. Here are a few I'm particularly sensitive about: 

*You're so young... you have plenty of time! 

 

*Just relax... it takes time.

 

*Enjoy your sleep

 

*if you want a child take mines.

 

Instead of saying the above things, please say this: 

*You will be a great mom one day.

 

*I'm praying for you.

 

*I'm here if you need me. ~This one is especially dear to my heart because some days I may just need someone to be silent with, other times I may need someone to vent to, and most days I just like the fact your are there as a distraction from my baby mania.

30 day recap?

Sorry for the lack of communication, it's been a while since I have been on here...technically over a month.  I guess you could say that is a good thing because I actually was able to focus on other things besides getting pregnant.  I just think my distractions are that great when a few of them cause me great frustrations and stress.  Currently I am on day 5 of my July Cycle and am on 150mg Clomid from day 4 to day 10.  I have a set appt for July 21st (day 13) to check my ever so uncooperative follicles to see if they are maturing and growing in size as they should be.  I am hoping for ovulation this month and conception with natural baby dancing.  Speaking of baby dancing I we go away on the 22nd for the weekend.  that's the start of my window of opportunity..lol  This shall be interesting.

Sidebar I think have a regular drug induced cycle is working well for me.  April was 8 days of bleeding(still in the top 5 of lowest amount of days bleeding), May was 7 days, June was 7 days and July is looking like a close contender for 6 days.  I will accept this as my small win for the moment...hopefully this continues because I am definitely getting spoiled.

The waiting game

"Abused patience turns to fury." ~ Thomas Fuller
It seems like I am waiting all the time.  Waiting on results, waiting on medicine to work, waiting to see if the medicine actually worked, in the waiting room on my doctors office, waiting on hold with the doctors office, waiting for responses from employers who offer fertility coverage........I don't think making me wait is enhancing my patience.  Really want to know what our (my RE, ME, & Mike) next steps are.  Called today and results are still not in.  Was advised to try on Monday.  Oh well getting ready for my sister's graduation and the party afterwards should occupy some of my free thinking time.  I have off on Monday so I plan to get alot done.....more job apps, completing registration for fall semester, completing bachelorette plans and getting results and next action plans.

"All things are difficult before they are easy." Thomas Fuller

The Cost of Infertility

ARC ~ Advanced Reproductive Care, Inc.  The Nation's largest network of fertility clinics & provides the most affordable options for fertility treatment.

The ARC Fertility Program: This program helps with predetermined discounted package-pricing, payment plan options and a money-back refund guarantee program. This program maximizes your probability of taking home a baby while making the cost affordable and minimizing your financial risk. Prices are based by facility.  For my facility RMA of Philadelphia the price is as follows
One-cycle plus™:   Patients receive up to 2 IVF cycles--one fresh plus one frozen embryo transfer . $10,326.88 (not including medication that averages $4,000 - $6,000 per cycle or ICSI which is another $2,000)

Two-cycle plus™:    Patients receive up to 4 IVF cycles--two fresh plus two frozen embryo transfers. $16,926.00 (same as above)

Three-cycle plus™:embryo transfers: Patients receive up to 6 IVF cycles--three fresh plus three frozen $23,938.20 (same as above)

What are the symptoms of PCOS?

The signs and symptoms of PCOS are related to hormonal imbalance, lack of ovulation, and insulin resistance and may include:

• irregular, infrequent, or absent menstrual periods
• hirsutism - excessive growth of body and facial hair, including the chest, stomach, and back
• acne or oily skin
• enlarged and/or polycystic ovaries
• infertility - the inability to produce children
• overweight or obesity, especially around the waist (central obesity) and abdomen
• male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
• skin tags - small pieces of skin on the neck or armpits
• acanthosis nigricans - darkened skin areas on the back of the neck, in the armpits, and under the breasts

In addition, women with PCOS may be at increased risk for developing certain health problems. These may include:

• metabolic syndrome - a condition with several components, including:
  
  • type 2 diabetes or insulin resistance
  • elevated cholesterol levels
  • high blood pressure
  • excess body weight, especially around the waist and abdomen
  • elevated levels of C-reactive protein (a marker of inflammation)
  • elevated blood clotting factors
• heavy or irregular bleeding and endometrial cancer. Lack of ovulation for an extended period of time may cause excessive thickening of the endometrium (the lining of the uterus).

The symptoms of PCOS may resemble other conditions or medical problems. Always consult your physician for a diagnosis.

First Review

~God will not place any burden on you that you can not bare~

My nurse called to tell me that the radiologists notes from my HSG states the the dye moved through my uterus into both fallopian tubes and out each end with minimal difficulty. 
This has to be one of those great days.  Yes it doesnt automatically mean I will get pregnant but it definitely takes IVF (20k) as my only option off the table.  Talk about an unexpected relief.  I can't stop smiling, the tears keep welling up in my eyes. I dont want to get too excited though....even if they are clear I still have to wait for the official ok from my RE.  Also I remember them telling me to move from side to side...I dont have that ability when it's sperm trying to reach my egg, or when its a fertilized egg trying to move to implantation but I will deal with those steps when they come.  Now we are waiting for the glucose test results so that i can make an appt with my physician and map out a plan of action going forward.

Reflections

I stayed home today.  The HSG aftermath is more painful than expected, but hopefully the pain is well worth it.  I  am sitting here watching a movie called Mother and Child by Rodrigo Garcia starring Annette Bening, Kerry Washington, and Naomi Watts.  Great movie but definitely a tear jerker.  I can relate in so many ways to each character but mostly Kerry Washington's character.  She is an atheist who cant get pregnant, they never explain why in the movie but she is married and successful and her and her husband decide to adopt.  When it is close to the delivery time of the baby they plan to adopt her husband leaves because he wants children of his own. Though devastated she continues with the adoption.  She is there when the baby is born, she nurses the baby and gives the baby boy his first feeding....literally catering him his first day on earth.  She leaves for the night and returns the next day only to be greeted by security and the adoption agency.....the birth mother has changed her mind.  Gut Punch!  Needless to say she flips, she is crushed and while she is home with her mother she utters "I should have realized if God wanted me to be a mother I would have been one"   That phrase alone runs through my mind frequently.  Being a very spiritual person I cant help but wonder why me.  It is so very easy to compare myself to people I see and know whom I could say don't deserve children.....yes that is very mean to say but it also is very true. I often wonder am I not worthy of this blessing, this miracle of life?  The irony is I have always wanted to adopt, yet this is not an option for me now to ease my yearning to carry my own child. I am fortunate to be old enough to remember my sister's birth, how she grew, her features and it's like deja ve with Arion.  I want that.  I want the entire experience. I've always wanted it, and it is so very hard to maintain optimism. Kind words and support dont change your reality.  There is no substitute for what my heart wants....which brings me to the other thing that is tugging at my soul......my father.   It ties in because I feel rejected from God the way I feel rejected from him.  Am I really so bad of a person that even before life I wasn't worthy of my fathers love?  Am I really so bad of a person that I am not worth of God's ultimate blessing?  I dont have the answer...I am confident I will never have the answer but the circumstantial evidence is leaning towards YES.

Time for HSG & Endo Biopsy

I will be leaving work today at 1pm.  That damn medicine I had to take yesterday and today is making me sick....YUK!  Overall I am pretty relaxed...don't know where that came from....but it is a welcomed feeling. This is going to be a hectic week.  I have my glucose test tomorrow morning at 7am.....and then I work from 10:30-7:30...very long day.  Oh well off to the doctors office I go.

First time for everything

So today marks the end of my period.  This day will go down in history because I have NEVER had a 7 day menstual cycle without the assistance of medication.  So this is truely a blessing.  I have my HSG scheduled for Tuesday.  Got to remember to take my antibotics on MondayI have my fasting labs and ovary testing on Wednesday.  I am broke but will try to enjoy this holiday weekend.  Happy Memorial Day!

Responses

I got quite a few responses from me sharing my blog with my family.  Some was tearful, some was worried, one was actually greatful for the opportunity because it shed reflection on their own situation, but most importantly all the responses was covered with love and support.  I may have alot of days where I feel lonely and damned, but at the end of the day I am truly blessed to have these women in my life. 

The PCOS Workbook: Your Guide to Complete Physical and Emotional Health

I will be opening my blog soon.  For family and friends who want to share in my journey.  I am private but I dont want to shut the people I hold close to me out.  I think this blog will be a whole lot easier for me to relay information or updates about my condition then calling several people each week with bad, worse, or devastating news. 

The title above is the name of a book I brought this week on my Kindle.  I read it cover to cover in less than two days.  Great source of detailed information regarding what my condition is, where it comes from, what damage it does and how to live with it.  Yes there is no cure for what I have, it's a condition I am born with, however I can get my symptoms under control slowly but surely.  Now it's time to shop for my next resource.

Different Day Different Attitude

Im thankful for my blog.  It allows me the opportunity to document my bad and good days and later go back and review.  It offers an outlet for my emotional rollercoaster.  My common sense and faith will always prevail but during those weak and hurting moments I just need release.  I am thankful to be alive, I am thankful for my family and friends, I am thankful to have the ability to walk, talk, and just be of my own accord.  Yes I feel I have had more than my fair share of the grime in this world but I have to deal with the hand that GOD has dealt me.  My cousin constantly reminds me that I am the one who prays for strength...what better way to get it than to struggle.

Bad Day Rant

Today is just a bad day. I'm angry and I'm tired. I wanna lash out I feel alone. I hate having no control, I hate that this is happening to me. I hate that I can't fix this, I can't enjoy life, I'm broke, and no immediate financial relief is in sight. This syndrome is taking everything from me, my beauty, my skin, my figure, and suppleness. I find myself becoming more and more bitter.  If I was judgemental before, call me killer now because I have something to about every situation out here that provides a child for other people with ease.  People who dont have common sense, people who dont recognize the blessings, people who carelessly "get rid" of their problems, people who dont care for or abuse their children.  THIS right here adds to my frustration.  Am I just to dumb to see the blatant signs from GOD telling me I suck as an individual and dont deserve such a blessing as a child.  I don't recognize myself anymore....

Procedure #....oh I forget what number I am on

So I am scheduled for a HSG on Tuesday May 31, 2011.  I had one of these back in 2008.  Also have to get my glucose testing done and my endometrial biopsy.  I am just a walking pin cushion. 

THIS JUST IN...

Ok positive thoughts go out of the window.  My doctor just confirmed that my pregnancy with the twins caused damage to my right tube....and my left one looks blocked.  First kick to the gut followed by an upper cut to the chin.  All cycles for ovulation have been put on hold.  She still wants me to have a menstrual this month so I will start the pills to induce that.  I have labs this week so we will see....now back to your regularly scheduled program.

I wonder sometimes if my main obsession with having a child is because I know I can't. Its very hard to stay positive. I mean I'm infertile and fat, growing hair where there should be none and getting these dark spots all over. All of my complexion is darkening. Not to mention all of the screenings I have to do with this damn Syndrome....UGGHHH!   Can I get a break?

Cycle 2 starts tomorrow. Apparently femara alone won't make my follicles grow. Start the provera tomorrow.....positive thoughts.

und. I'm gonna do the best I can to stay positive. We are waiting to see what my labwork says and then we are sitting down to discuss our next step.

10 days before the mothers day race for the cure. I just left the doctors office and my follicles are not growing...little sad but hey this is my 1st ro

Early Easter Morning to you. I am at the doctors office and I am emotionally even. Mike came with me today even though all he is doing is sitting in th

e lobby:-) Gotta love him for getting up early on a Sunday Morning. Stay Tuned for the results.

Education Entry....for my family & friends who dont know what PCOS is.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/polycystic-ovary-syndrome/DS00423

Poly-cystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age. The exact cause of poly-cystic ovary syndrome is unknown, however signs and symptoms vary from person to person, in both type and severity. To be diagnosed with the condition, your doctor looks for at least two of the following: 

• Menstrual abnormality ~failure to menstruate for four months or longer; and prolonged periods that may be scant or heavy.
• Excess androgen ~ Elevated levels of male hormones may result in physical signs such as excess facial and body hair adult acne or severe adolescent acne; and male-pattern baldness.
• Polycystic ovaries ~ Enlarged ovaries containing numerous small cysts
• Infertility ~ because the insulin resistance causes infrequent ovulation or a lack of ovulation
• Obesity
• Prediabetes or type 2 diabetes ~ women with polycystic ovary syndrome are insulin resistant, which impairs the body's ability to use insulin effectively to regulate blood sugar. This can result in high blood sugar and type 2 diabetes. Prediabetes is also called impaired glucose tolerance.
• Acanthosis nigricans ~ medical term for darkened, velvety skin on the nape of your neck, armpits, inner thighs, vulva or under your breasts. This skin condition is a sign of insulin resistance.

 My thought:  I hit the jackpot on this one.  I have every single symptom listed.....if only winning the lottery was this easy.  

A new day

OK I can admit I am extremely emotional....so you can imagine my surprise when I received a call from my nurse saying that even though my ultrasound yesterday didn't show any follicles that my estrogen levels are high and LH & Progest are low....which means my follicles are still growing.  YAY!!!!  I return to get more labs and ultrasound this Sunday @ 8:30am.  

On another note today is a much needed change of routine. Me and my loving partner are off to see a free screening of  "Bridesmaids" http://www.bridesmaidsmovie.com/ The trailer is hilarious I am so looking forward to laughing :)

Unknown Quote: Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

My First Cycle with Femara

Today was my appointment to see if the Femara induced follicles for ovulation.  The answer is a big fat no.  It is amazing how going in today I didn't think I would take this news so emotionally.  Actually I didn't know what to expect, however today my disappointment associated this to always having to work hard or fight for things in my life.  NOTHING has ever come easy and I truly believe I have reached my point of exhaustion. I would love to go home and nurse my feelings in bed for the day, but that is not my reality.  I really think one of the worst parts of this is that I don't have chocolate and wine to support me on this journey.  Thinking positive didn't work today.

Anonymous Quote: “Millions of couples suffer from infertility, so why is everyone pregnant but me?”

Take a look at me

I turn 33 years old in 39 days. Ten years ago I did not see myself where I am today. Currently with a job I hate, taking classes to get a degree I am completely unmotivated for, morbidly obese, dealing with PCOS, and consistent pain associated with my condition.  I am sad more than not lately and I am tired of my surroundings.  I can honestly say my spirit is broken and I do not know if I have the will or want to fix it.  I remember when I was young and couldn't express myself verbally I would write.  Sometimes you need to vent, not be judged, not be "saved", not be fixed, just to be listened to......even when there is no one there.  Sometimes a problem has to linger before it is able to be fixed.  Sometimes a problem is not fixable.  Writing is a therapy that had been pushed aside in my adolescence and now I  will use it as my tool for acceptance of what I am currently dealing with.  I intend to use this blog for my personal sound boards, mostly to release my tensions, fears, pains, anger and desires, but also to use as reflections for growth and maybe open it to assist others.  These are my feelings in their rawest form so if by chance I have invited you to this  page of my life please do not be offended by what I write. 

~Toya